Social media rant

Seeing as my body clock decided that 5.08am was obviously a fantastic time to wake up, I thought I’d let off some steam about social media (I could totally be contradicting myself, is a blog social media?! Well to clarify, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat).

So since I was around 12, and my oldest school friend kept bugging me to get on Facebook, I’ve been an avid social media user. The thought of all the hours that I wasted scrolling down Facebook and Instagram, taking ridiculous and mostly boring snaps on Snapchat, makes me feel slightly unwell. Well just over 3 months ago I decided to kick the social media addiction and delete all the apps to resist temptation of using it. I have kept my accounts mind, I didn’t fancy doing the whole dramatic leaving speech on Facebook “just to let everyone know I’m coming off of Facebook so if you want me text me” let’s be honest, no one gives a flying f*ck! My accounts also hold lots of memories so I would never delete them. Maybe you’re wondering why the sudden change? Anxiety. And a whole lot of it. I’ve never been the outgoing confident one, but the last I’d say 4/5 years I’ve found myself suffering in a pit of anxiety. It was always at its worst at a social event that I’d have forced myself to go to purely to keep everyone happy and for everyone to think I love socialising. (I don’t.) I would literally just forget how to human and turn into this socially awkward flump. I couldn’t respond to conversations because I just froze with anxiety. New Year’s Eve 2017 was the final time I would allow anxiety to take over my life. 

I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend called Andreas, Dray. He is half Greek and a total dream 🤤♥️ I love him very much and I always try hard, for him especially. NYE last year we went out with his group of friends. There were about 12 of us, all couples. They’re a really lovely group of people, a little crazy but who doesn’t like crazy? However the night was a disaster, for me anyway. I just couldn’t relax and enjoy myself. I didn’t want to drink too much in case I made a fool of myself (I save that for nights with Lissa, you lucky devil you), I didn’t want to stand up and leave the table to go to the toilet because I felt they’d all stare at me, I just didn’t want to do anything. But even if I did, anxiety was having none of it. Conversation was flowing across the table but the only thing flowing for me was the sweat in my palms and the negative thoughts in my head. “Her make up looks so nice, I bet she thinks mine looks terrible”,”they all think I’m weird anyway so better to just not say anything!”. So I didn’t. I sat there, I ate my food, laughed at the general conversation so they knew I was alive and then left. They must be wondering what on Earth Dray is doing wasting his time with me. (One of the good things about Dray is that he just doesn’t care what people think. He knows me and that’s enough for him.) After the meal we went on to a pub. There I felt a little more at ease, being able to walk around and not stuck in one seat, it also helped having a couple of familiar faces. I still struggled going to the bathroom on my own because of the pure fear of being judged on the way, and yes at this point I was ready to burst, but I did make it eventually. A couple of jäger bombs later and it was midnight. Everyone went around wishing each other a happy new year, drunken kisses and cuddles, it was lovely. Home. Halle-bloody-lujah. Now I could finally relax. 

The next morning I ordered a book off of Amazon. A self help book to tackle anxiety. I didn’t want to go through the doctors because I felt as though this was something I could and wanted to battle on my own. The book came and it starts by explaining the reasoning behind anxiety and why some of us suffer with it, it’s very informative and I could feel myself nodding and saying ‘ahh, that makes sense’ but at the same time it was a lot to take in. I never read books because I’m one of those people who will read a page whilst thinking of something totally different! (Writing this blog and realising how all the more awkward I am...) About a quarter of the way through the book, it asks you to make a list of 15 things you do everyday. My list consisted of everything from brushing my teeth to spending time on social media. It then asks you to decide whether each of those tasks are nurturing or depleting. Now brushing my teeth was definitely nurturing, social media? Depleting depleting depleting. I exhausted my time throughout the day and every evening looking at the same thing online over and over again.  The next step was to decide whether you could alter the tasks to make them less depletive or could you remove them completely.. that was an interesting thought. Could I really survive FOMO (fear of missing out) and actually get rid of social media?! Yes. So I did. From then on I deleted the apps off of my phone and went cold turkey. For the first hour or so I was a little lost I’ll admit.. but after a while it felt so relieving. I no longer felt the urge to take a selfie just because I wanted a few likes or a bit of attention, which let’s be honest that’s all a selfie is for, I didn’t feel paranoid about my posts or what people thought of them and the most important thing for me, is that I was no longer comparing myself to every. Other. Girl. The “Instagram Girls”. The ones without a single blemish on their face or an ounce of cellulite on their legs. This was the cause for my anxiety. Not the spot on my face or the cellulite on my legs, the absolute cover up of social media. Everyday I would scroll looking at pictures of girls who were perfect head to toe. Wishing and criticising myself for not looking that way. Only recently did it occur to me that actually, it is all so fake. No ones skin is that miraculously glowingly perfect and let’s be really honest your boobs aren’t that miraculously big when you’re a size A Monday-Thursday. 

Coming away from social media and all its lies has helped me love myself and appreciate my lumps and bumps and my imperfections because they’re all me and I will no longer hide behind a blanket of Instagram edits. Nor will I sit and stare at pictures of girls who just do not exist. I’m yet to face another social event where I can really put my anxiety to the test, however I feel in a much better place right now and confident that I could tackle it hands on with minimal palm sweat. Until then, I will spend time with the people I love and who love me for me and in future I will go to the toilet when I want to because quite frankly that was painful and unnecessary.